Love Is The Answer

For some reason, when the world starts falling apart around us, we start searching for real answers. When our lives appear to be running smoothly we must feel like we have the all the answers; then along comes misery to remind us that perhaps we don’t. I certainly don’t want to give the impression that I have been wallowing in misery but most definitely the last several months have been full of days that have tested my strength. I would have said faith but I have always considered myself short in that category ~ to this day I am working on it.

So recently, I picked up a book by my favorite author, Marianne Williamson and I read the following line, "Human relationships exist to produce love." I tried to continue down the page but my eyes returned to that sentence over and over. I’m not sure that any other words I’ve ever read have made so much sense. I not only heard the words in my head as I read them, but I felt them. I felt them in my stomach and I felt them wrap themselves warmly around my heart.

On Tuesday morning, I was sitting in a pew at a church during Ray Holt’s funeral service, listening to his son, Colby, speak about the love of his father. I know his relationship with his dad was, at times, complicated but when his father departed this earth his love is what came to the surface. When Colby spoke about the love he had for his father it was pure. His father’s love endured death and will reside in Colby forever. Ultimately Colby’s relationship with his dad existed to produce that love. There may have been many other things that tried to get in the way, but in the end love triumphed and you could see it and feel it in the room that day.

I will occasionally read back through my own blogs, and recently, even some writings from over 20 years ago. It helps me remember who I am and who I once was. In most of my writings, love, on some level, has been the theme. When the world starts falling apart around us love is what sustains us. Love is the answer. It’s not hard to know that when you look into the eyes of your children or the man you adore. It absolutely proves itself to be true when you embrace your mother or receive a tender hug from a long time friend at the exact time you need it most.

I am convinced that the purpose of our lives on this earth is to create happiness for ourselves and each other and we can only accomplish this through love. Love is the answer ~ it’s simple and it makes sense.

Update 10.02.10 ~ Imagine Being a Teacher from India

For those of you who read the blog entry about my remarkable teacher friends from India the story did not end as we feared it would. Both teachers and their families did have to return to India for about one month, but at the last hour our federal government renewed their Visas. They were able to return to the United States just this past week. I am thrilled to announce that one friend returned to work at Conchos School on Friday, October 1st! My other friend, who is an amazing teacher with a beautiful and kind soul, took a job near Show Low, Arizona when the prospects of her returning to our district were incredibly bleak. We pray, that at this time next year, she will be teaching in a class at our school! Through prayers, strength, and an unwavering belief that this situation would work out for them ~ indeed it did. What an amazing story! (Thank you for asking Erica.)


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Imagine for a moment, leaving everything and everyone you have ever known for a chance to teach American children. You board a plane for America, bringing with you only your desire to better your life and the lives of those depending on you back in your home country of India.

Imagine arriving to this country with no driver’s license, no home and being at the total mercy of strangers to get back and forth to your job every day. Imagine the gut wrenching pain you would feel after phone calls from your children back home asking when they’ll see you again. Their fate is out of your control. You just pray.

Imagine arriving to class on your first day of school and realizing that American children don’t appreciate the fact that it is an honor to be sitting in your classroom. In India only the extremely fortunate have the opportunity of obtaining an education. American children take it for granted and don’t always share with you, that yes indeed, they want to be there.

Imagine that nearly a year later your family is able to come to America. Imagine the pain in your six your old’s face and the fear she has now that you may leave her again. She’s afraid when you go into another room that there may be a door on the other side that allows you to escape. Yes, imagine that it takes a long time for a child to feel safe that you won’t ever leave her again. Imagine a dear lady befriending you, becoming your American Mom. Imagine hearing your children call her grandma. Imagine that her whole life now has become about making your family feel safe and secure in America. Imagine your own teenagers falling in love with America.

Imagine that over the course of three years, you have changed the lives of American children. You have taken their lives in a new direction. You have helped them to understand that like Indian children, American children, too, are fortunate to receive an education. They’ve come to love and appreciate your love and appreciation for education. Imagine that you are responsible for children falling in love with math and becoming excited about science. Some, indeed, may wish to become scientists!

Imagine over the course of those three years that both your parents die, first your father then exactly one year later – to the day - your mother. Imagine that you can not go home to their burials. Imagine the birth of a child and the death of a grandfather.

Now, I ask you to imagine that Monday, July 26, 2010 is the day you expect to return to school but on Thursday, July 22, you receive a letter that your American Visa will not be renewed. This is the fate of two amazing teachers, that I have worked with, laughed with and cried for over the last three years. They are two extraordinary women, with a love of teaching that runs so deep that it is the core of who they are; there is no doubt that they were put on this earth to teach.


*As I sit here trying to come up with an end to this story, I realize that perhaps I can not because the story is not over. I ask you, the reader, to take a moment to pray for these beautiful ladies. Perhaps the power of prayer will persuade those in control of their fate to make the right decision.

Back To School Time....

Mid July doesn’t mean back to school time to many people, but it always does to me. This will be the sixteenth time I will be a part of an amazing team of people welcoming beautiful little faces to a brand new school year. I arrived on the campus of Conchos School on August 24, 1994 - three days in to the school year. It may seem strange that I remember the exact date but I will never forget it. August 24th is my grandmother’s birthday and I am quite sure that she is the guiding force that led me to Conchos School.

Here I sit sixteen years later, readying myself for another fresh new start. The very best thing about working in the school environment is that every year it is the same and every year it is so different. In a way, it’s like getting a new job every year. This year, we will welcome a few new faces to our staff. I pray that they love our kids and community as if both were their very own. I hope that they chose the field of teaching because their hearts told them to. I trust that they believe they are difference makers because indeed they are.

Today is Friday, July 9th. It's hard to believe that it has been five weeks since I pulled out of the school parking lot with a huge smile plastered all over my face like I had a secret nobody else knew. Ahhh, beautiful summer break! I guess all good things really do come to an end.

Two more days and summer break will feel like ancient history. Soon enough our classrooms will be filled with laughter, loud voices, a little bit of drama, a whole bunch of beautiful little faces and, most importantly, our future.

Twenty Five Years

Nothing reminds us more about of the passage of time than hearing from a high school friend. It is inconceivable to me that 25 years of my life have come and gone so quickly. Twenty five years…… one husband, two children, a million memories.

Life is lived one day at a time but have I made every day count? As our lives unfold, right in front of our eyes, we need reminded to make every day count. The last 25 years have been loaded with undeniably the best that life has to offer. Those same 25 years have also been laden with days I choose to forget.

Twenty four years ago, I married my high school sweetheart. Although we dated for what felt like forever, I was still shocked the day he asked me to be his wife. In a way, it felt like we just met – like I realized in that moment that he loved me and promised to love me forever. Nothing in life is more precious than knowing someone loves you.

Seventeen years ago, I became a mother. Years of unsuccessful fertility treatments left me feeling hopeless that I would ever bask in the glory of motherhood. If you’ve known me more than a minute, you know that I believe with my whole heart that God blessed me with the most incredible mother on the planet. I so wanted to mother in a way that reflected the love that I have always been given from my own mom. When Katherine entered our lives on January 16, 1993, I was given the chance to be to her what my mom had been to me. Katherine is an amazing and beautiful young woman. I’d love to share the credit for how wonderful she is, but sometimes God just gives you the best.

Nearly fifteen years ago, I was blessed with a son. As deeply as mothers love their daughters they are simply in love with their sons. When Katherine overheard me saying how difficult it will be for me when Jes loves another woman and eventually gets married, her feelings were hurt. I explained to her that as my daughter she would always be mine but I knew my son would eventually hold another women closer to his heart ~ it’s the way God intended. For now, he’s still mine. Jes is a unique and incredibly handsome young man. I guess sometimes God gives you the best, twice.

This morning, I took a mental journey over the past twenty five years of my life. My journey has been blessed by marriage and motherhood. Together, Wynn & I have weathered illness, lost jobs and lost loved ones. Together, we have celebrated better health, new jobs and the blessings of new life. This journey has been filled with friendships found and friendships lost and friendships found again. I sit in absolute awe of how quickly the years have gone.

Have I made every day count? How I would love to say yes, but I know with certainty that the more truthful answer is no.

Today is the first day of the next twenty five years. I’m going to make it count.

Faith & A Text

A women’s heart only weighs about nine ounces. I find that hard to believe because for the last few months, mine has felt more like a ten pound rock sitting in the center of my chest. Life is hard and sometimes it is easier to tuck away the unpleasantness of it all in a tight little corner of your stomach and I guess eventually that starts to tug on the heart – causing it to weigh more and more. I’m no doctor – but that makes sense to me. So, last Sunday morning as I was driving to the grocery store my heavy heart was feeling a little heavier. I decided to visit my grandma and grandpa at their permanent address – East Resthaven. I cried a bit on the way there and also thought to myself – are you crazy?? – you have way too much to do today, but I kept driving. When I got there, I walked quietly over to their precious spot on the lawn. Oddly enough there was not another person there that morning. As I sat and visited, I started praying and of course the tears start rolling. I said, “God please let me know I’ll see these beautiful people again, because I don’t know it and I absolutely need to KNOW it. How do some people know it? Really, I want that faith. No, I NEED that faith, but I would be lying to myself and everyone else if I said "I know." I’m sorry but I just don’t have it. At least I didn't on that particular day. So, I prayed and talked to my grandma and I prayed some more. Then I got a text, and I’m sorry God, but I dropped the F bomb (in the nicest voice possible) and thought to myself “Not now!” After my visit with my grandma, I had a short visit with Little Lee. I miss him too. When I climbed back in to my truck, I remembered the text. These are the words I read on that text: God Loves You and So Do I. I sat in my truck and I cried for the next several minutes. It was difficult to regain my composure. Driving home my heart still felt heavy, but it felt warm and comforted. I can’t say the sadness was gone but it felt more tender and less gut wrenching than it had before. My friend, Linda Cashman, sent me that text from church. I guess I received a little lesson in faith on a Sunday morning ~ I pray that I continue to believe that voice inside who whispered to me just whose hands guided her typing in my cell phone number on that very special Sunday.

Thank you Linda Cashman and thank you God. Amen.

It's May

It’s May. Every May for the past sixteen years, I start the annual countdown to the last day of school. If you work or attend school, it’s just what you do. This year, however, I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that we are winding down. Soon, the year will be over. Ordinarily it’s a time to rejoice. It’s a time to breathe deep and say internally, “I made it through another year.” This year that just does not feel quite right – somehow it just misses the mark. I find myself holding on to each day and trying to embrace the here and the now. I know in my heart and in my soul that these days will not come again. I’m not ready to say goodbye to this year.

Sixteen school years and I could not tell you the number of extraordinary people I have been honored to spend my days with. Time is marked off by school years. Much of my life and its milestones are measured and remembered by the school year and the people I shared it with.

Throughout this incredible journey, I have been blessed with beautiful friendships. I have been profoundly impacted by the love, dedication and spirit of the amazing teachers who have shared their days with me. Truly, I feel honored to have served them.

It’s May. Soon enough the school year will be done. This year, I will not only say goodbye to a challenging school year, but I will begrudgingly say farewell to an extraordinary group of young ladies who have inspired me more than they can possibly know.

It’s May. I plan to rejoice every day.

Christmas Eve

I say Merry Christmas with a heavy heart this Christmas Eve. Seldom do we ever know when the *last Christmas* will come. There are so many levels to that thought. Tomorrow would have marked the third week from the day my dear neighbor, Cammie, was driven away from her house by her son who happens to be a nurse. A few days after her arrival at Good Samaritan Hospital came the diagnosis of cancer; fifteen days later she departed this earth for her real home. For the last 23 Christmases there has always been a walk next door to deliver homemade cookies or pictures or some simple gift. Last year we made that walk with no thought that it was our last.

Today is Christmas Eve. This is a day that has so much tradition in our house and in our hearts. Traditions of old would have the entire family at my mom’s tonight. Never in a big house, so you would be sitting up against someone. The house would be so noisy with countless conversations between sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts & uncles. We never knew that one of those Christmas Eve’s would be the last as kids grew up and married. Traditions slowly changed over the years. My kids have spent the last several years hanging out at Misty’s on Christmas Eve. Misty, Katherine & the girls spend most of the day baking. They can recite the routine: wake up & make cinnamon rolls, roll up a cheese ball for snacking throughout the day, mixing and baking cookies and pies, making peanut brittle and other assorted candy. All of this going on, no doubt, with Christmas music blaring from the Ipod.

Tonight we’ll gather at Sharon’s (a new tradition, but a beautiful night with my family). My mom & dad, Connie & her children and grandchildren, and my family will share precious time and a few presents! This year particularly, I will take a moment to truly immerse myself in the joy of being surrounded by this growing family.

Tomorrow – Christmas Day -
Early morning with my husband and children – a day that starts with gratitude and always ends with stories and laughter – ALWAYS. I think Katherine & Jes love each other more on this day than any other day of the year. There is not a second thought to how we’ll spend the rest of our Christmas Day, of course we’ll be with our entire family at the Carden residence. My kids have never known anything different on Christmas Day. Some day I guess they will, but I pray those days are far in the future.

This year I am profoundly aware of the fact that we are fortunate to have not lost a member of our family. Christmas Day always brings an overwhelming love from my family that feels like a warm blanket. It is a blanket I wish I could wrap myself in all year long. I want to hold these days tight and not let them go. I want a guarantee that they’ll never change but my heart is wise and tells me different.

Fifteen days. A family’s life forever changed. Last year, I’m sure, was full of tradition for Cammie & her family. Cammie will be in my heart and on my mind as I celebrate this holiday with the people I treasure most in my life. I will honor her memory by expressing an abundance of love and heartfelt gratitude to my family while being keenly aware that we never know when it is our last.