My kids....My heart

My kids....My heart

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I am grateful but I'm also scared

I haven't posted anything on my blog for awhile because I can only write when I feel moved. I wanted to feel inspired to write something beautiful and I have had plenty of opportunities lately to feel moved. Today, I am grateful but I also feel scared.

Ryder made a dramatic entrance in to all of our lives last week after about 30 hours of incredible laboring by his mother. I was really proud of Britt. She went through a tremendous amount of pain. Ryder is a miracle and a blessing from God for all of us. I'm grateful that I have been able to share in this incredible time of Kenny & Britt's life. It is cliche to say, but we have to really enjoy the moments in our life that are gifts from God. It's easy to take our blessings for granted.

I was blessed to spend last week spending time with my family in beautiful San Diego. The ocean is like medicine to me. It heals my tired bones. quiets my busy mind and fills my spirit with joy like no other place on earth.

Today my heart is feeling wrenched and my mind is not so quiet. Wynn was told by his boss yesterday that there is no work and there will be no work for quite some time. In my heart and throat, there’s a big lump. We have had times in our life when work was slow and layoffs happened, but this time, to me, feels so different. I don’t recall a time when the economy made the news every single day. This time the knot in my stomach feels so justified.

I pray – well, I have casual talks with God. Every day I do. I’m not really very good at it, my mind tends to wander, but I do my best. He knows me pretty well, so I think he undertands :) I find it much easier to pray for others, but last night I prayed hard that things would be ok, for me. Wow – what a difference a week makes – last Friday I fell asleep hoping for beautiful weather so I could enjoy strolling the beach in San Diego. Last night I fell asleep thinking, Oh My God, my husband does not have a job. Last Friday, I slept in peace and I woke up to the beautiful sights and sounds of Pacific Beach. I sat outside in the salty air and enjoyed the moist sea breeze and took pleasure in the sound of the never ending waves crashing along the beach. I did not sleep well last night and when I woke up this morning, my husband’s first words were, don’t worry about all of this. It is so unsettling. Maybe in a few days I will reach the place where I know deep down that we’re going to be just fine. Is that faith? I need some of that, right now.